birthdays, birthday t-shirts, birthday gifts, birthday jokes
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are more likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask,
"Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4:00 o'clock.
You can live without sex,
but not without your glasses.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into heated arguments about the price of groceries.
You got cable TV just for the western channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
And with a slight adjustment to your hearing aid, you won't notice their parties either.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends,
because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
So enjoy it - you're just getting older.
It was my 40th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday." I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."
I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday ... and there I sat on the couch ... naked.
You'll never have to endure those harrowing visits to the dentist again.
You'll save a fortune on shampoo.
Your hernia operation will make you a star at the local pub.
You will look distinguished with your receding hairline, double chin and wrinkles.
You have survived the humiliation of middle age.
You'll no longer have to suffer the disappointment of thwarted ambitions – you no longer have any.
You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.
You'll be the champ at history questions in the pub quiz.
You can embarrass your family by entering glamorous granny or good-looking grandfather competitions.
You don't need to make an effort anymore – people will expect you to be frumpy, boring and cantankerous.
Your failing memory allows you to convince yourself that you're a super sex machine.
You'll be able to talk incessantly about the good old days.
Your failing eyesight saves you the anguish of seeing your disintegrating body.
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said ...
"I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!!"
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