Give a gift that will be remembered when you give a personalized embroidered gift. We offer jackets, hats, t-shirts, polo shirts, sweatshirts, hoodies and more for your gift giving pleasure.
Showing newest 15 of 20 posts from October 2008. Show older posts
Showing newest 15 of 20 posts from October 2008. Show older posts
Welcoming A New Baby
Having a new baby in the family may be one of the tougher things your older child has to deal with. However, it may eventually be one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
How can I prepare my child ahead of time for their new baby sibling?
Here are some things you should do to help prepare your older child:
How can I prepare my child ahead of time for their new baby sibling?
Here are some things you should do to help prepare your older child:
- Tell your child about your pregnancy when you tell your friends. Your child needs to hear about it from you, not from someone else.
- If you plan to move your child to a new bed and/or bedroom, do so well before the baby arrives, so your older child doesn’t feel displaced by the baby. This also goes for any other major changes, like weaning, toilet training, and starting preschool or child care.
- Check with your hospital about sibling preparation classes and hospital tours.
- Bring your child to prenatal visits so they can meet your birth attendant.
- Give them a realistic idea of what to expect when the baby first arrives. You will be tired, and the baby will take lots of your time. The baby will not be able to do much at first, except eat, sleep, poop, pee and cry. The baby will not be a playmate.
- Visit friends with a new baby, if possible.
- Read books about pregnancy, birth, newborns, and baby siblings with your child (see below for some suggestions). Give them a chance to ask questions, voice concerns, and vent feelings inspired by the books.
- Look at pictures/video of your older child’s birth and babyhood. Tell them about their birth and what they were like as a baby. Tell them how excited you were when they were born, and how everyone wanted to see them and hold them.
- Have your child practice holding a doll and supporting the head. Teach them how to touch and hold a baby very gently.
- Let them participate in preparations in any way possible. Give them choices, such as choosing the baby’s coming home outfit from two acceptable options.
- Should your child be present for the baby’s birth? Many families have found this to be a very positive experience, but it is not necessarily right for every family. If you do decide to have your child at the birth, make sure you have an adult caregiver whose only job is to be there for the child. Prepare your child thoroughly, by watching videos of births with them, bringing them to midwife or OB appointments, and talking with them about what it may be like. It may be nice to give them a special, age-appropriate job, such as cutting the umbilical cord or putting on the hat.
World's Most Adorable Baby
by
teewitbaby
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone
Babies are such a nice way to start people. ~Don Herrold
A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase. ~Author Unknown
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. ~Phyllis Diller
Where did you come from, baby dear?
Out of the Everywhere and into here.
~George MacDonald, At the Back of the North Wind
Every child begins the world again.... ~Henry David Thoreau
Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and make loud "snort" noises.) I don't know why parents don't do this more often. Usually it makes the kid laugh. Sometimes it sends him into shock. Either way it quiets him down. If you're a parent, acting like a rhino has another advantage. Keep it up until the kid is a teenager and he definitely won't have his friends hanging around your house all the time. ~P.J. O'Rourke
Always kiss your children goodnight - even if they're already asleep. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm. The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money. ~Elinor Goulding Smith
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething. ~Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894
A soiled baby with a neglected nose cannot be conscientiously regarded as a thing of beauty. ~Mark Twain
The moment a child is born,
the mother is also born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new.
~Rajneesh
There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can't get it. ~Irena Chalmers
Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other. ~Ed Howe
...a little child, born yesterday,
A thing on mother's milk and kisses fed...
~"Hymn to Mercury" (one of the Homeric Hymns), translated from Greek by Percy Bysshe Shelley
Children are one third of our population and all of our future. ~Select Panel for the Promotion of Child Health, 1981
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. ~Fran Lebowitz
A crying baby is the best form of birth control. ~Carole Tabron
A baby is a blank cheque made payable to the human race. ~Barbara Christine Seifert
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. ~Carl Sandburg
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. ~Leo J. Burke
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. ~John Wilmot
If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family. ~Lawrence Housman
Babies are always more trouble than you thought - and more wonderful. ~Charles Osgood
Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again. ~Jimmy Piersal, on how to diaper a baby, 1968
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. ~Dave Barry
Adoption is when a child grew in its mommy's heart instead of her tummy. ~Author Unknown
I'm Cute, Mom's Cute, and Dad's Lucky!
by
teewitbaby
Why is it hard for an older child to adjust to a new baby?
There are many things that can contribute to a difficult adjustment:
There are many things that can contribute to a difficult adjustment:
- Research indicates that a child’s personality has the most effect on how they react to a new baby.
- Children with the closest relationships with their mothers show the most upset after the baby is born.
- Children with a close relationship with their father seem to adjust better.
- Your child’s developmental stage may affect how well they can share your attention. Often two-year-olds have lots of trouble getting used to a new baby, because their needs for time and closeness from their parents are still great.
- Stress on the family can make your older child’s adjustment harder.
To get a sense of how your older child might feel about the addition of the new baby, imagine this:
Imagine that your partner puts an arm around you and says, "Honey, I love you so much, and you're so wonderful that I've decided to have another wife (or husband or partner) just like you." When the new wife (or husband or partner) finally arrives, you see that (s)he's very young and kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. "Isn't (s)he adorable! Hello sweetheart... You are precious!" Then they turn to you and ask, "How do you like the new wife (or husband or partner)?"
How can I help my child adjust to the new baby once it’s here?
- Set aside special time for your older child. Each parent should spend some one-on-one with the older child every day. It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child (and help their behavior!). Let your child choose the activity, and you follow their lead.
- Listen—really listen—to how your child feels about the baby and the changes in your family. If they express negative feelings, acknowledge them. Help your child put their feelings into words. Never deny or discount your child’s feelings.
- Make sure it is very clear that absolutely no hurting is allowed. Give your child other ways to express bad or angry feelings they may have toward the baby. For example, they could draw an angry picture of the baby, or act out their wishes with dolls, or roar like a lion.
- “Baby” your child, if that’s what they seem to crave. This may help stave off regression in areas that are less acceptable to you. There is a tendency to suddenly expect your child to become more independent when you have a new baby. If you expect less independence, you are more likely to get more!
- Have the new baby and older child exchange gifts.
- Have some special “big brother” or “big sister” gifts to give your child as friends and relatives start showing up with baby gifts, so your older child won’t feel left out.
- Remind visitors to pay attention to your older child, and not just the baby.
- Make sure the older child has some special, private space, and things of their own that they don’t have to share with the baby.
- Give them special jobs that they can do to help the family and help with the baby’s care (but don’t overdo it—take your cue from your child on this).
- Let them participate in the baby’s care—baths, dressing, pushing the stroller, etc.
- Point out the benefits of being an older child, like choosing what to eat, being able to go the park and play, and having friends.
Great Coffee And Coffee Mug Gifts
Admittedly, I love coffee ... all kinds of coffee. So naturally, I am always looking around to find the best coffees to indulge my taste buds in that rich dark delicious goodness. Not only do I love a great cup of coffee, but like sipping my nectar from some of the best coffee mugs in the marketplace. Ole' SagArt did the research and we've got some of the most outstanding coffee mugs for you and your family or friends. They are perfect holiday gifts for anyone!
On one of my coffee queries, I found this site CoffeeReview that gives an overall rating of some of the best coffees in the world. I was in heaven, and soon discovered I have missed out on some of the best rated coffees. Tell me it ain't so!
Some of the descriptions of the coffee rated there, will make your mouth water. Here's some examples:
PT's Coffee Roasting Co.
Sweet-toned, crisply balanced aroma: milk chocolate, cherryish fruit, a hint of freshly tanned leather. In the cup silky mouthfeel, bright acidity, distinct cocoa, orange and berry notes, dry yet lush. The flavor notes carry with depth, elegance and great persistence from short finish through long. Oh, I gotta get me some of that!
Property Of Senior
by
TeeShirtsTShirts
Sweetly bright aroma, with tight-knit complexity: flowers, cocoa, honey, aromatic wood. In the cup lightly syrupy in mouthfeel, sweetly and lushly acidy but superbly balanced, with deep-toned night floral notes, orangy citrus and continued hints of cocoa and aromatic wood. Rich, flavor-saturated finish with a very slight astringency essentially lost in flowers.
Are we still talking about coffee? That description just transported me to a tropical isle filled with cocoa, honey, citrus and flowers. Nice trip. Think I'll stay awhile.
Buttery aroma: nut, flowers, dry berry. Rich acidity, medium body. The elegantly pungent berry note cuppers call black currant dominates in the cup, but supported by a profound underlying sweetness that gives the berry a dark chocolate depth. Flowers revive in the fine, rich, flavor-saturated finish.
Don't know about the rest of you, but I've just found what I want for Christmas. Great coffees and cool mugs to fight off the winter chill. Life just doesn't get any better than that!
On one of my coffee queries, I found this site CoffeeReview that gives an overall rating of some of the best coffees in the world. I was in heaven, and soon discovered I have missed out on some of the best rated coffees. Tell me it ain't so!
Some of the descriptions of the coffee rated there, will make your mouth water. Here's some examples:
PT's Coffee Roasting Co.
Sweet-toned, crisply balanced aroma: milk chocolate, cherryish fruit, a hint of freshly tanned leather. In the cup silky mouthfeel, bright acidity, distinct cocoa, orange and berry notes, dry yet lush. The flavor notes carry with depth, elegance and great persistence from short finish through long. Oh, I gotta get me some of that!
Property Of Senior
by
TeeShirtsTShirts
Terrior Coffee
Richly and sweetly bright aroma with aromatic wood, peach-toned fruit and cocoa notes. In the cup quietly acidy, elegantly crisply sweet, deeply floral, with distinct peach-toned fruit and hints of cocoaish chocolate that carry into a long, flavor-glistening finish.
I don't know who writes these coffee descriptions but ... I think I'm in love!
Richly and sweetly bright aroma with aromatic wood, peach-toned fruit and cocoa notes. In the cup quietly acidy, elegantly crisply sweet, deeply floral, with distinct peach-toned fruit and hints of cocoaish chocolate that carry into a long, flavor-glistening finish.
I don't know who writes these coffee descriptions but ... I think I'm in love!
Are we still talking about coffee? That description just transported me to a tropical isle filled with cocoa, honey, citrus and flowers. Nice trip. Think I'll stay awhile.
Buttery aroma: nut, flowers, dry berry. Rich acidity, medium body. The elegantly pungent berry note cuppers call black currant dominates in the cup, but supported by a profound underlying sweetness that gives the berry a dark chocolate depth. Flowers revive in the fine, rich, flavor-saturated finish.
Don't know about the rest of you, but I've just found what I want for Christmas. Great coffees and cool mugs to fight off the winter chill. Life just doesn't get any better than that!
Holiday Dips and Shopping Tips
Oh my gosh, is it that time of the year again? Yep, it's time to start planning for those holiday get-togethers and putting together that shopping list for party foods and holiday gifts. There never seems to be enough time to get it all done, so we've posted some of our favorite holiday party dips and some great holiday gifts for your family and friends.
1 cup Miracle Whip or mayonnaise
1 - 10 0z. package frozen spinach, thawed and well drained
1/2 cup grated Parmesan Cheese
1 cup shredded Cheddar Cheese
1 garlic clove, finely minced
1/2 small onion, finely minced
Directions:
Mix together all ingredients and pour into a pie pan or shallow baking dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes until it is lightly browned. You can serve it with your favorite toasted bread, vegetables or crackers. Great for parties.
Funny Chef T-shirt for women
by
chef_tshirts
1 cup ricotta cheese
1 cup sour cream
1 cup shredded Mozzarella Parmesan cheese blend
1 envelope Knorr's garlic and herb sauce mix
3 1/2 oz. sliced pepperoni, diced
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine all ingredients and place into an oven-proof baking dish. Bake for 30 minutes or until hot and bubbly. Serve with tortilla chips, toasted bread of your choice, bagel chips or crackers.
Warm Spinach Dip
Ingredients:1 cup Miracle Whip or mayonnaise
1 - 10 0z. package frozen spinach, thawed and well drained
1/2 cup grated Parmesan Cheese
1 cup shredded Cheddar Cheese
1 garlic clove, finely minced
1/2 small onion, finely minced
Directions:
Mix together all ingredients and pour into a pie pan or shallow baking dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes until it is lightly browned. You can serve it with your favorite toasted bread, vegetables or crackers. Great for parties.
Chili and Cheese Dip
Ingredients:
2 cans refried beans
2 cans (16 ounce) chili or 4 cups homemade
2 packages (8 oz. each) cream cheese, softened
8 green onions, chopped
green chiles to taste (fresh or canned)
1 large jar of salsa--your favorite kind
8 ounces shredded Monterey Jack Cheese
8 ounces shredded Cheddar
Directions: Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Mix the cream cheese and refried beans together and spread into a 9 x 13 lightly sprayed baking dish. Spread the chili over the bean mixture evenly. Pour the salsa evenly over the chili. Sprinkle the green onions and chiles over and top with the cheeses. Bake for 30 minutes or until cheese is bubbly. Notes: I make more chili than I need for a meal and use the extra for the dip. You can even freeze it and thaw the day you make the dip. I also use black refried beans for a nice change from the regular type. Serve with tortilla chips.
Funny Chef T-shirt for women
by
chef_tshirts
Pizza Dip
Ingredients:1 cup ricotta cheese
1 cup sour cream
1 cup shredded Mozzarella Parmesan cheese blend
1 envelope Knorr's garlic and herb sauce mix
3 1/2 oz. sliced pepperoni, diced
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine all ingredients and place into an oven-proof baking dish. Bake for 30 minutes or until hot and bubbly. Serve with tortilla chips, toasted bread of your choice, bagel chips or crackers.
Just For Mom
Mom, one of the sweetest words representing the most coveted titles that we place upon the woman who is so important in our lives. In honor of her, we celebrate our Mother in all her goodness, strength and support we are blessed to receive from her. We walk in Mother's garden where love blooms eternal.
Royal Mom
by
mom_gifts
Behold the mother with her newborn child!
An icon of a hope that never dies.
Death may label all we cherish lies,
Yet this love lies too deep to be defiled.
We clear an inner field where fate has smiled,
Letting play the pleasures of surmise,
Holding back all contrary replies,
As though our thoughts might turn the winters mild.
Despite the well-known travesties of time,
Each time a child is born we dream anew,
For only thus our losses are regained.
Though we must share the destiny of slime,
No passion in our palette is more true
Than that which cradles innocence unstained.
My Mother My Best Friend
by
mom_gifts
For me, two mothers aren't one too many:
One's for real, and one's for other things.
Remember: there are those who haven't any,
Missing their one chance at angel's wings.
You're the one most free to mother me,
Giving without worrying I'll be spoiled.
Often my real mother "has to see,"
Dreading I might get my future soiled.
More than just an aunt, what's in your heart
Opens doors within where I can go
To learn the difficult and gentle art
Happiness embraces those who know.
Each moment that you love me makes me whole:
Rare is she who can so grace a role.
Mom Prettiest Flower in the Garden
by
mom_gifts
How much I love you I can't say:
It's more than words can hold.
You're all at once my rich, red clay,
My potter and my mold.
A mother's love determines how
We love ourselves and others.
There is no sky we'll ever see
Not lit by that first love.
There is no sky we'll ever see
Not lit by that first love.
Stripped of love, the universe
Would drive us mad with pain;
But we are born into a world
That greets our cries with joy.
How much I owe you for the kiss
That told me who I was!
The greatest gift--a love of life--
Lay laughing in your eyes.
Because of you my world still has
The soft grace of your smile;
And every wind of fortune bears
The scent of your caress.
Royal Mom
by
mom_gifts
Behold the mother with her newborn child!
An icon of a hope that never dies.
Death may label all we cherish lies,
Yet this love lies too deep to be defiled.
We clear an inner field where fate has smiled,
Letting play the pleasures of surmise,
Holding back all contrary replies,
As though our thoughts might turn the winters mild.
Despite the well-known travesties of time,
Each time a child is born we dream anew,
For only thus our losses are regained.
Though we must share the destiny of slime,
No passion in our palette is more true
Than that which cradles innocence unstained.
My Mother My Best Friend
by
mom_gifts
For me, two mothers aren't one too many:
One's for real, and one's for other things.
Remember: there are those who haven't any,
Missing their one chance at angel's wings.
You're the one most free to mother me,
Giving without worrying I'll be spoiled.
Often my real mother "has to see,"
Dreading I might get my future soiled.
More than just an aunt, what's in your heart
Opens doors within where I can go
To learn the difficult and gentle art
Happiness embraces those who know.
Each moment that you love me makes me whole:
Rare is she who can so grace a role.
Mom Prettiest Flower in the Garden
by
mom_gifts
How much I love you I can't say:
It's more than words can hold.
You're all at once my rich, red clay,
My potter and my mold.
Yours the words that shaped my voice,
The spirit within mine.
Yours the will that shaped my choice,
My fortune, and my sign.
How lucky I was to have had you
At the core of me!
Wise and good, you always knew
Just what I could be.
And so I came to be someone
Whom I could be proud of.
For this I give my swollen sum
Of gratitude and love.
Poems Provided By: Poems For Free
Patriotism For Country
Show your patriotic spirit with t-shirts featuring the flag of your country! World Flag Shirts features t-shirts, cards, postage stamps, mugs, mousepads, postcards, magnets, hats, buttons, keychains and aprons bearing the proud flag of your country.
Patriotism is a love of and loyalty to one's country. A patriot is someone who loves, supports, and is prepared to serve their country.
Patriotism is a love of and loyalty to one's country. A patriot is someone who loves, supports, and is prepared to serve their country.
America Flag
by
worldflagtshirts
The word patriotism comes from a Greek word meaning fatherland. For most of history, love of fatherland or homeland was an attachment to the physical features of the land. But that notion changed in the eighteenth century, when the ideals of democracy, socialism, and communism strongly emerged into political thought. Patriotism was still a love of one's country that included connections to the land and people, but then also included its customs and traditions, pride in its history, and devotion to its welfare.
Send a note, a party invitation or a simple greeting with World Flag Cards. Add that special patriotic touch to all your communication that will be appreciated by everyone.
Grab a patriotic apron for those cooking activities, crafting projects or for cleaning chores.
Christmas Holiday Humor
'Twas the Night After Christmas
By Jeff Foxworthy
===============================
By Jeff Foxworthy
===============================
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys.
And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin'.
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten.
I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun.
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care!
So I popped off a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
Holiday Trivia
The average American takes six months to pay off holiday credit-card bills.
Pogonophobia: the fear of beards.
There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. -- and one
Kriss Kringle.
December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on
earth: 333,333 tons.
Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 --
plus Rudolph.
Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.
To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits
per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound. At that speed,
Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.
From Us Magazine, Thanks to Keith Sullivan
How To Tell If You're A Grinch
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car)
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.
Growing Old
Old age creeps up on a person like a thief in the night. Toward the end, just before it grabs you, there are certain tiny signs: hard breathing over little exercise, slight trembling of the hands, certain little twitches, flabby muscles, slight aches and pains, increased trips to the doctor, wrinkles, gray hair, slight impairment of short-term memory, generalized weakness, less latitude in eating and sleeping habits, decreased interest in sex, less adventuresome, and on and on. May I repeat, these symptoms and others like them gradually creep on us without our noticing that we are growing old.
Many people are sensitive about old age. They say, "A person is as old as he feels," or "I don't have birthdays anymore." They don't reveal their age, hoping the process will go away. Other people do not even admit that old age exists. And others spend a fortune trying to cover it up by camouflaging wrinkles, dying their hair, surgically lifting their face, and taking all kinds of potions to keep themselves looking youthful. We have all seen people that don't look their age--some who are 50 years old and look like they are 90, and others who are 90 and look like they are 50. Ahem! Some folks say I hold my age of 70 as if I were much younger--it makes me feel good to think that it might be true.
We have hardly recovered from the shock of realizing that we are getting old when we receive more bad news. The thing we thought would never happen--we are going to retire or be retired from the job we have held for 40 years or more. Like others, I have said, "I'm never going to retire." And then, chagrin of chagrins, I did. It is so difficult to retire that a small percentage of people appear to shrivel up and die shortly after retirement. Most people who successfully face old age and retirement claim that they do not retire; they only change what they do.
When I think of coping with old age a number of cliches come to mind: "Act your age," but I don't want to act old. In fact, it comes to me that I don't even want to admit that I am old. "Ignore old age" is my motto. Then some of the aches and pains of arthritis catch up to me and old age cannot be ignored. The "march of time" is inexorable--everyone who doesn't die young is doomed to get old and die, but there are certain things we can do to delay old age and make it more livable.
TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR BODY
- Keep yourself clean. The old saying by Benjamin Franklin, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" gets truer as the years go by. When suffering, sickness, and mental deterioration come upon older people it is more difficult for them to keep clean. But, it is a necessity, even if we must hire someone to help. To be unkempt is the surest way to hasten the problems of old age.
- Exercise regularly and moderately. Older people often are sedentary and have problems with exercise and activity; but to stay alive exercise isn't a choice; it's a necessity. I can remember how pleased I was to get my electric wheelchair, only to discover that I quickly lost body strength when I stopped pushing myself around. Now my electric wheelchair is in a semiretired condition and I am getting better.
I remember Betty Johnson, a patient at the Riverside Convalescent Home. She was just 35 years old, but she got tired of life and refused to move. It only took her a year to wither and die without exercise. I used every argument I knew trying to get her to move her body. She had chosen this vindictive form of vengeance against her family--the slow suicide of not moving her body. A sedentary life-style can be a form of suicide. We must persuade ourselves and others to keep moving as old age approaches.
- Eat a little less, but be sure the food is well balanced and nutritious. Growing a garden is a neat idea. There is nothing better than fresh vegetables. It seems to me that some warning needs to be made about fad diets and peculiar eating habits. If a person has reached retirement age, probably they need to go slow in radically changing their mode of eating. The older we get, the less we eat for pleasure and the more we eat for survival. We eat, not so much to satisfy our appetites, but to satisfy our nutritional needs.
One 90 year-old lady said to me, "I don't feel like eating any more, so I won't." I said to her, "You can't fool God that way; your choice is slow miserable suicide, and you are just as guilty of taking your life as the person who chooses a gun." She was a wise and mature spiritual lady so she said, "I never thought of that before. You are right! I will start eating again." She did, and the next 5 years were quite beautiful.
- Take a sensible approach to dieting. Many people who reach retirement age are overweight. Now is the time to do something about it. The magic formula is simple: Eat a little less and exercise a little more. Don't go on a crash diet. Fast weight loss only means fast weight gain. Gradually cut down on fat, sugar, and the amount you eat and increase the amount of exercise. Gradual weight loss by changing your life-style of eating and exercising is the only way.
However, I knew a man by the name of W. A. Moore who lived to be 105, worked every day, and weighed over 300 pounds. Research tells us that when you get to be a certain age (probably over 70), weight no longer is a factor in longevity. But, don't count on it. If you are overweight, reduce it a little, if you can. Sometimes the worry over weight is more serious than the weight itself. So, try to reduce; but, don't kill yourself trying.
I went on a diet,
swore off drinking and heavy eating,
and in fourteen days,
I lost two weeks.
-- Joe E. LewisUnfortunately, many times weight loss is based on depression or some other serious condition. It is possible to be very slender because of a mental disorder known as anorexia nervosa or bulimia in which a person forces vomiting after each meal. Preoccupation with slenderness can often be more debilitating than plain ol' fat.
- Eliminate bad habits. It's never too late to stop smoking, boozing, or kicking any addictive condition. In my psychological practice I have treated people of every age who have quit "cold turkey" every addictive practice known, no matter how severe. I treated a 70 year-old man who had been addicted to alcohol all his life. He stopped short one day, by choice, and never drank again. He died at the age of 82. I treated another man, age 52, heavily addicted to heroin. He threw away the needle and with a prayer "God Help Me" never went back to his addiction. I have seen it happen in my prison work a thousand times. A true religious faith is stronger than any addiction. With the help of God and our faithful friends, the world of booze and narcotics can be conquered.
- Fight back at sickness and disease. In our day of Social Security and Medicare there is little excuse for older people to let health conditions slip up on them. With little expense, we senior citizens can get regular checkups; and if something is coming, we can take preventive steps. If you have a medical problem find out as much as you can about it. The government has free booklets on every health subject imaginable. The booklets are easy to read and contain the latest information on every item of health. Examine the health information source listings, pages 246 and 247 and write for a list of publications relating to the subject you would like information on. This way you can stay up on the latest information about good health.
The rules for good body health are so simple that they are taught early in grade-school years to children. However, those simple rules are often so neglected and so costly to health that the U.S. Department of Health estimates that 25% of our senior citizens die needlessly of simple neglect years before their time.
The body is a marvelous machine; but, like all machines, it will eventually wear out. However, we know that with a little care a machine may go for 100,000 miles or more before it gives up; but, with a little neglect the best of machines can be brought to an untimely end. A major rule in coping with old age consists of taking care of our machine--our body. (Information provided by: Seniors Site)
Kids Are A Comedy Performing Live!
Funny Things Kids Say
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant.Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
A Sunday sermon this Mom will probably never forget.... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment her very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to her and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year-old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
The Apple Of My Eye
My son just bought his first Apple computer. What a set-up. Everything is built into the ultra
thin monitor including the processor and a camera.
One day I was in the back of the house doing some cleaning and when I came back up front I discovered my 8 year old grand daughter, Bella, filming a video of herself dancing to music in her bikini on top of the breakfast table.
It was all very innocent but thank God she doesn't have an email account!...Or a website.
A Virginia teacher presented each child in her class with the first half of a well-known proverb, a different adage to each child, asking that they complete the adage at home. The following were among the replies she received. No, Mel Brooks didn't help these kids with their homework.
1. Don't change horses . . . until they stop running.
2. Strike while the . . . bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before . . . Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate . . . the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but . . . How?
6. Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.
7. No news is . . . impossible
8. A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new . . . math.
10. If you lie down with dogs . . . you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust . . . me.
12. The pen is mightier than the . . . pigs.
13. An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's . . . pollution.
15. Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is . . . not much.
17. Two's company, three's . . . the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and . . . you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as . . . Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you . . . see in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand . . . is going to poop on you.
26. Better late than . . . Pregnant
Read To Your Children
What is so good about reading to children?
Reading to your child is the single most valuable thing you can do. Why?
* it gives experience of different types of language, rhythms and sounds
* research shows that pre-school children who are exposed to plenty of language (books and conversation) tend to do better at school
* it teaches about many topics which wouldn't come up in conversation
* it is a wonderful way to bond with your child
* it is very calming
WARNING: READING must be FUN, not WORK!
Reading, and education in general, are serious matters, but they are only meant to be serious for teachers and parents. If something isn't fun, children won't do it. And they have BRILLIANT ways of avoiding what they don't want to do: such as pretending they can't. Or making you feel guilty.
If your child doesn't enjoy it, he won't try. If he finds it hard, he will think he is not good at it. Your job is to make it FUN and EASY.
But Babies? Surely Not?
Yes, babies benefit hugely. The effort of focusing on pictures develops eye muscles. And each time he hears a particular word, it imprints more strongly in his brain. Think: how do our brains learn? They learn by doing. Each time your baby sees, hears, or feels anything, brain connections form. Eventually, the connections are strong enough to create a skill or a piece of knowledge.
I'm Not Good at Reading Aloud
You really don't have to be good at it. Read very slowly - that's better for your child anyway as he'll be able to hear the words more clearly.
If you feel your reading still isn't good enough, we have two suggestions:
* practice reading a story on your own before reading it to your child
* this is a good time to ask for help. There are organisations which help adults with their reading. Ask your GP, Citizen's Advice Bureau or Local Education Authority. It will be worth it to be able to help your child.
How to Read
First, be comfortable, cozy and relaxed - both of you. On the other hand, hearing a story can be very calming for a child who is in 'one of those moods'.
Next, make sure your child can see the book the right way up as you read.
For babies and toddlers up to 2 years
* point at pictures and say or ask names of things (depending on age)
* use a slow sing-song voice
* use different voices for different characters - be entertaining
* spend time talking about the pictures before turning the page
* say a name and ask your older baby or toddler to point to the item
* give huge praise each time your child points at and names an object
For 2-4 year-olds
* give your child time to look at the pictures before you read
* ask, 'Where's the...?' 'What's that called?' 'What's she doing?'
* always follow text with your finger as you read
* with familiar stories, see if your child can join in or finish phrases
* ask questions like: 'Why did he do that?' 'What happens next?'
* discuss things you both liked/didn't like and why
For 4 year-olds and over (and possibly some 3 year-olds)
* as for 2-4 year olds
* ask your child if he can remember the order of events in the story
* try paired reading (sometimes called shared reading)
Special activity
If you think your child may be ready for a real reading activity, try this: choose a word which appears several times (such as a name) show it to your child and tell him what it says: can your child find the same word again?
This is a first 'Look and Say' or 'Whole word' activity. For information about Look and Say and the other methods of teaching reading, click here.
FINAL TIP:
Let your child see that reading is part of your life. Do you have books and newspapers in the house?
Choosing Books - For Babies, Toddlers and Nursery Children
For babies
Very young babies cannot focus well. You need books with large, simple pictures. Bold red, green, blue and black are usually best.
When you read to a baby you might be doing one of two things. You could be pointing at the pictures and saying the names, which helps your baby focus on specific sounds. However, this can become just a little monotonous especially when your baby is more interested in eating the book.
Or you could just read, so that the baby can enjoy the sound of your voice and hear the rhythms of different types of language, even though he won't have a clue what you are talking about.
Ideally, then, you need three sorts of books for a baby:
* bright, bold picture books to help focusing and identification
* books with poems, songs, or stories of any sort which YOU like reading
* books that you can safely leave in the cot, so that your baby develops a 'taste' for books. (Check safety labels carefully.)
For toddlers and older pre-school children
For children who understand most of what they hear, you need different books. Let your child choose, though some 'guidance' is often necessary.
You need these sorts of books:
* a variety of different types of language to read to your child (including poetry, traditional stories and mystery as well as everyday stories)
* a range of easier books with very few words, so that your child can begin to 'read' independently, by remembering a story which he has heard often
* books which your child really likes for whatever reason
Don't forget: the written word is all around us. We don't only read books - we read shop names, road signs, shopping lists, advertisements, birthday cards.... All are a chance to show your child how reading works. There is even a bit of jargon to describe this writing: ENVIRONMENTAL PRINT. (Information provided by: Children Literacy)
2008 Top Ten Best Books for Young Adults
Alexie, Sherman. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-time Indian. Illus. by Ellen Forney. Little, Brown, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-316-01368-0;
Beah, Ishmael. A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier. Farrar, Straus & Giroux/Sarah Crichton, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-374-10523-5;
Downham, Jenny. Before I Die. Random House/David Fickling, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-385-75155-1;
Hemphill, Stephanie. Your Own, Sylvia: A Verse Portrait of Sylvia Plath. Random House/Alfred A. Knopf, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-375-83799-9;
Jones, Lloyd. Mister Pip. Dell Publishing/Dial Press, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-385-34106-6;
Landy, Derek. Skulduggery Pleasant. HarperCollins, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-06-123115-5;
Peet, Mal. Tamar: A Novel of Espionage, Passion, and Betrayal. Candlewick, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-7636-3488-9;
Polly, Matthew. American Shaolin: Flying Kicks, Buddhist Monks, and the Legend of Iron Crotch: An Odyssey in the New China. Penguin Group USA/Gotham Books, 2007; ISBN13: 978-1-59240-262-5;
Selznick, Brian. The Invention of Hugo Cabret: A Novel. Illus. by Brain Selznick. Scholastic, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-439-81378-5;
Tan, Shaun. The Arrival. Illus. by Shaun Tan. Scholastic/Arthur A. Levine, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-439-89529-3;
Reading to your child is the single most valuable thing you can do. Why?
* it gives experience of different types of language, rhythms and sounds
* research shows that pre-school children who are exposed to plenty of language (books and conversation) tend to do better at school
* it teaches about many topics which wouldn't come up in conversation
* it is a wonderful way to bond with your child
* it is very calming
WARNING: READING must be FUN, not WORK!
Reading, and education in general, are serious matters, but they are only meant to be serious for teachers and parents. If something isn't fun, children won't do it. And they have BRILLIANT ways of avoiding what they don't want to do: such as pretending they can't. Or making you feel guilty.
If your child doesn't enjoy it, he won't try. If he finds it hard, he will think he is not good at it. Your job is to make it FUN and EASY.
But Babies? Surely Not?
Yes, babies benefit hugely. The effort of focusing on pictures develops eye muscles. And each time he hears a particular word, it imprints more strongly in his brain. Think: how do our brains learn? They learn by doing. Each time your baby sees, hears, or feels anything, brain connections form. Eventually, the connections are strong enough to create a skill or a piece of knowledge.
I'm Not Good at Reading Aloud
You really don't have to be good at it. Read very slowly - that's better for your child anyway as he'll be able to hear the words more clearly.
If you feel your reading still isn't good enough, we have two suggestions:
* practice reading a story on your own before reading it to your child
* this is a good time to ask for help. There are organisations which help adults with their reading. Ask your GP, Citizen's Advice Bureau or Local Education Authority. It will be worth it to be able to help your child.
How to Read
First, be comfortable, cozy and relaxed - both of you. On the other hand, hearing a story can be very calming for a child who is in 'one of those moods'.
Next, make sure your child can see the book the right way up as you read.
For babies and toddlers up to 2 years
* point at pictures and say or ask names of things (depending on age)
* use a slow sing-song voice
* use different voices for different characters - be entertaining
* spend time talking about the pictures before turning the page
* say a name and ask your older baby or toddler to point to the item
* give huge praise each time your child points at and names an object
For 2-4 year-olds
* give your child time to look at the pictures before you read
* ask, 'Where's the...?' 'What's that called?' 'What's she doing?'
* always follow text with your finger as you read
* with familiar stories, see if your child can join in or finish phrases
* ask questions like: 'Why did he do that?' 'What happens next?'
* discuss things you both liked/didn't like and why
For 4 year-olds and over (and possibly some 3 year-olds)
* as for 2-4 year olds
* ask your child if he can remember the order of events in the story
* try paired reading (sometimes called shared reading)
Special activity
If you think your child may be ready for a real reading activity, try this: choose a word which appears several times (such as a name) show it to your child and tell him what it says: can your child find the same word again?
This is a first 'Look and Say' or 'Whole word' activity. For information about Look and Say and the other methods of teaching reading, click here.
FINAL TIP:
Let your child see that reading is part of your life. Do you have books and newspapers in the house?
Choosing Books - For Babies, Toddlers and Nursery Children
For babies
Very young babies cannot focus well. You need books with large, simple pictures. Bold red, green, blue and black are usually best.
When you read to a baby you might be doing one of two things. You could be pointing at the pictures and saying the names, which helps your baby focus on specific sounds. However, this can become just a little monotonous especially when your baby is more interested in eating the book.
Or you could just read, so that the baby can enjoy the sound of your voice and hear the rhythms of different types of language, even though he won't have a clue what you are talking about.
Ideally, then, you need three sorts of books for a baby:
* bright, bold picture books to help focusing and identification
* books with poems, songs, or stories of any sort which YOU like reading
* books that you can safely leave in the cot, so that your baby develops a 'taste' for books. (Check safety labels carefully.)
For toddlers and older pre-school children
For children who understand most of what they hear, you need different books. Let your child choose, though some 'guidance' is often necessary.
You need these sorts of books:
* a variety of different types of language to read to your child (including poetry, traditional stories and mystery as well as everyday stories)
* a range of easier books with very few words, so that your child can begin to 'read' independently, by remembering a story which he has heard often
* books which your child really likes for whatever reason
Don't forget: the written word is all around us. We don't only read books - we read shop names, road signs, shopping lists, advertisements, birthday cards.... All are a chance to show your child how reading works. There is even a bit of jargon to describe this writing: ENVIRONMENTAL PRINT. (Information provided by: Children Literacy)
2008 Top Ten Best Books for Young Adults
Alexie, Sherman. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-time Indian. Illus. by Ellen Forney. Little, Brown, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-316-01368-0;
Beah, Ishmael. A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier. Farrar, Straus & Giroux/Sarah Crichton, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-374-10523-5;
Downham, Jenny. Before I Die. Random House/David Fickling, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-385-75155-1;
Hemphill, Stephanie. Your Own, Sylvia: A Verse Portrait of Sylvia Plath. Random House/Alfred A. Knopf, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-375-83799-9;
Jones, Lloyd. Mister Pip. Dell Publishing/Dial Press, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-385-34106-6;
Landy, Derek. Skulduggery Pleasant. HarperCollins, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-06-123115-5;
Peet, Mal. Tamar: A Novel of Espionage, Passion, and Betrayal. Candlewick, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-7636-3488-9;
Polly, Matthew. American Shaolin: Flying Kicks, Buddhist Monks, and the Legend of Iron Crotch: An Odyssey in the New China. Penguin Group USA/Gotham Books, 2007; ISBN13: 978-1-59240-262-5;
Selznick, Brian. The Invention of Hugo Cabret: A Novel. Illus. by Brain Selznick. Scholastic, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-439-81378-5;
Tan, Shaun. The Arrival. Illus. by Shaun Tan. Scholastic/Arthur A. Levine, 2007; ISBN13: 978-0-439-89529-3;
Shoe Fun
I like shoes and probably have more pairs of shoes than most, but when I found the following shoes ... I knew there were a few shoe shops I missed. Check out these off-the-wall crazy shoes and see if you need to pick up a pair to entertain the local natives. They most definitely will grab the attention of everyone!
Boxing Shoes For Kick Fighters!
Great for Nailing the perfect shoe with that outfit in your wardrobe!
Toe-tickling Shoes To Keep The Feet Happy!
He Can Hold You Up In All Things With These Shoes!
Now you have the perfect pair of shoes to match those pants!
Ouch! Now these are a tough pair of nub covers.
Shoes and socks all in one will shave a few minutes off getting dressed in the morning.
I give up! How does he keep those on? Super glue?
Shoes for squares.
Yeah, and I bet she paid a lot for those too!
Shoes and socks all in one will shave a few minutes off getting dressed in the morning.
I give up! How does he keep those on? Super glue?
Shoes for squares.
Yeah, and I bet she paid a lot for those too!
Boxing Shoes For Kick Fighters!
Great for Nailing the perfect shoe with that outfit in your wardrobe!
Toe-tickling Shoes To Keep The Feet Happy!
He Can Hold You Up In All Things With These Shoes!
Now you have the perfect pair of shoes to match those pants!
Save Planet Earth
Toxics In Our Communities
The Problem
Communities across the United States are located near industrial sites that are contaminated with toxic wastes. To address this problem, Congress passed a law called Superfund to pay for cleaning up the nation’s worst toxic waste sites. One in four Americans lives within four miles of a Superfund toxic waste site. Toxic chemicals at many of these sites have been linked to birth defects, brain damage and cancer. A California study showed that children born to women within a quarter mile of a Superfund site are at increased risk of birth defects. However, in recent years, funding for cleaning up Superfund sites has fallen dramatically, and the rate of cleanup has slowed.
In addition, industrial facilities across the country emit tens of thousands of tons of toxic chemicals into our air, land and water. Right to know laws require that companies report their releases of toxic chemicals, but in recent years many companies have pushed to weaken these reporting requirements, citing security concerns in the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
Who Is Affected?
A disproportionate number of toxic waste sites are located in or near low income communities and communities of color. In addition, many sites that are still releasing toxic chemicals into the environment are located in these communities in large part because many companies believe that low income citizens lack the knowledge and power to fight against toxic plants locating in their communities. Extreme examples of this phenomenon include Lousiana’s “Cancer Alley” a string of largely low income and African American communities where many of the nation’s largest chemical manufacturing plants are located. Residents of these communities suffer from high rates of cancer and their children suffer from birth defects and neurological damage due to high rates of exposure to dangerous chemicals.
What You Can Do
Find out what sources of toxic chemicals are located in your community. The Environmental Defense Scorecard contains a wealth of information about toxic releases into the environment in a database that can be searched by zip code. It also gives information on the health impacts of the chemicals that are released in your community, allows you to compare your community with other communities across the country and provides opportunities and ideas for taking action.
Work with others in your community to advocate change—start a letter writing campaign to the polluters in your neighborhood or to your elected officials asking for them to cut down or stop putting harmful chemicals into your neighborhood. Many of the most polluted areas already have citizen’s groups dedicated to getting the polluters out of their communities.
Find out where your elected officials stand on toxics issues. Attend town meetings and ask them tough questions or write letters and ask for their position on the issue. You can also look for information from national and state groups that track the environmental voting records of elected officials such as the League of Conservation Voters or your state conservation voter league.
Register to vote and vote for candidates who will reduce toxic emissions, fund the cleanup of toxic waste and make all communities safer and healthier.
Environmental impact of plastic shopping bags
* The raw material of plastic bags is oil. Therefore, the more we use plastic bags, the more we waste oil - a non-renewable energy source.
* The petroleum-based plastic bags take decades to break down, so if they are not recycled they litter. It creates visual pollution: in the streets, on the beaches etc. Also, they can clog roadside drains, which could cause street flooding during heavy rainfall.
* Plastic bags can be recycled but it rarely happens: according to the United States Environmental Protection Agency, only 1% of plastic bags were recycled in 2000, against twenty percent for paper bags.
* They endanger wildlife and particularly sea life such as sea turtles and dolphins which can die of entanglement, suffocation, and ingestion because they assume that these bags are jellyfish.
What is being done
For the past few years, there has been rising international awareness regarding the damaging and dangerous impact on the environment of plastic bags. Governments all over the world have decided to get involved in that particular issue: Some governments have decided to ban them: Bangladesh, Bhutan and Zanzibar.Plastic bags should no more be given for free in China from June 1st. These bags are surcharged in Germany, South Africa, Ireland and Israel. Several countries try and promote, trough major retailers, the use of cloth bags, paper bags or grocery bags: United Kingdom (with Tesco), France (with Carrefour), New Zeland.
In the U.S.
Plastic bags are already used less than paper bags by American consumers, and there have been no government actions to further curb their use. But large cities such as San Francisco and Portland, OR, have planned or plan to ban plastic bags, whereas Seattle, WA will certainly launch a 20 cent “green fee” on plastic bags.
The Problem
Communities across the United States are located near industrial sites that are contaminated with toxic wastes. To address this problem, Congress passed a law called Superfund to pay for cleaning up the nation’s worst toxic waste sites. One in four Americans lives within four miles of a Superfund toxic waste site. Toxic chemicals at many of these sites have been linked to birth defects, brain damage and cancer. A California study showed that children born to women within a quarter mile of a Superfund site are at increased risk of birth defects. However, in recent years, funding for cleaning up Superfund sites has fallen dramatically, and the rate of cleanup has slowed.
In addition, industrial facilities across the country emit tens of thousands of tons of toxic chemicals into our air, land and water. Right to know laws require that companies report their releases of toxic chemicals, but in recent years many companies have pushed to weaken these reporting requirements, citing security concerns in the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
Who Is Affected?
A disproportionate number of toxic waste sites are located in or near low income communities and communities of color. In addition, many sites that are still releasing toxic chemicals into the environment are located in these communities in large part because many companies believe that low income citizens lack the knowledge and power to fight against toxic plants locating in their communities. Extreme examples of this phenomenon include Lousiana’s “Cancer Alley” a string of largely low income and African American communities where many of the nation’s largest chemical manufacturing plants are located. Residents of these communities suffer from high rates of cancer and their children suffer from birth defects and neurological damage due to high rates of exposure to dangerous chemicals.
What You Can Do
Find out what sources of toxic chemicals are located in your community. The Environmental Defense Scorecard contains a wealth of information about toxic releases into the environment in a database that can be searched by zip code. It also gives information on the health impacts of the chemicals that are released in your community, allows you to compare your community with other communities across the country and provides opportunities and ideas for taking action.
Work with others in your community to advocate change—start a letter writing campaign to the polluters in your neighborhood or to your elected officials asking for them to cut down or stop putting harmful chemicals into your neighborhood. Many of the most polluted areas already have citizen’s groups dedicated to getting the polluters out of their communities.
Find out where your elected officials stand on toxics issues. Attend town meetings and ask them tough questions or write letters and ask for their position on the issue. You can also look for information from national and state groups that track the environmental voting records of elected officials such as the League of Conservation Voters or your state conservation voter league.
Register to vote and vote for candidates who will reduce toxic emissions, fund the cleanup of toxic waste and make all communities safer and healthier.
Environmental impact of plastic shopping bags
* The raw material of plastic bags is oil. Therefore, the more we use plastic bags, the more we waste oil - a non-renewable energy source.
* The petroleum-based plastic bags take decades to break down, so if they are not recycled they litter. It creates visual pollution: in the streets, on the beaches etc. Also, they can clog roadside drains, which could cause street flooding during heavy rainfall.
* Plastic bags can be recycled but it rarely happens: according to the United States Environmental Protection Agency, only 1% of plastic bags were recycled in 2000, against twenty percent for paper bags.
* They endanger wildlife and particularly sea life such as sea turtles and dolphins which can die of entanglement, suffocation, and ingestion because they assume that these bags are jellyfish.
What is being done
For the past few years, there has been rising international awareness regarding the damaging and dangerous impact on the environment of plastic bags. Governments all over the world have decided to get involved in that particular issue: Some governments have decided to ban them: Bangladesh, Bhutan and Zanzibar.Plastic bags should no more be given for free in China from June 1st. These bags are surcharged in Germany, South Africa, Ireland and Israel. Several countries try and promote, trough major retailers, the use of cloth bags, paper bags or grocery bags: United Kingdom (with Tesco), France (with Carrefour), New Zeland.
In the U.S.
Plastic bags are already used less than paper bags by American consumers, and there have been no government actions to further curb their use. But large cities such as San Francisco and Portland, OR, have planned or plan to ban plastic bags, whereas Seattle, WA will certainly launch a 20 cent “green fee” on plastic bags.
It's Old Shoe To Me
The Open Toe Shoe Pledge
Alright Ladies, it's that time of the year again. Just a friendly reminder!! Please raise your big toes and repeat after me: (The Open Toed Shoe Pledge)...
As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:
I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.
I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.
I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I will shave the hairs off my big toe.
I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.
If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.
I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.
I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.
I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.
If I have been privy to the magic that is Foot Soup, I will share that knowledge and experience with the non-initiated.
I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.
I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.
I will promise to go my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $10 and worth EVERY penny).
I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals... Don't keep this to yourself - pass it on to other sisters.
These Crocs Bite!
The Shoes
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11."
The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe."
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"
He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is screwing my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes."
If The Shoe Fits, Drive It!
Okay, now these are really ugly shoes and would freak anyone out if you wore them out in public!
It's Great Being A Grandparent
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her
hair. As she heard the children getting more and more
rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel
around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to
bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice "Who was THAT?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a
swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We
rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl
was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike? "You're both old," he replied.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A little 4 yr. old girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?"
he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself !"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the
movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The
scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted, "Mark! "What caused th=
e submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grampa, it
was the 20,000 leaks!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the light
s off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fire flies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
------------------------------------------------------------------
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised.
Mine says I'm 4 to 6".
------------------------------------------------------------------
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'" (What English Teacher wouldn't love that one?)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant "said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The Fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "
he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her
hair. As she heard the children getting more and more
rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel
around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to
bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice "Who was THAT?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a
swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We
rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl
was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike? "You're both old," he replied.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A little 4 yr. old girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?"
he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself !"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the
movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The
scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted, "Mark! "What caused th=
e submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grampa, it
was the 20,000 leaks!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the light
s off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fire flies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
------------------------------------------------------------------
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised.
Mine says I'm 4 to 6".
------------------------------------------------------------------
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'" (What English Teacher wouldn't love that one?)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant "said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The Fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "
he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Music To My Ears and Eyes!
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he canceled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.
He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.
The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?"
So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.
"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.
"Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.
"That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?"
The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"
A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
by Donn Laurence Mills
If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4. Look the other way just before cues.
5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
14. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds music degrees from Northwestern University and Eastman School of Music. A conductor and music educator, he is also the American educational director for the Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he canceled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.
He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.
The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?"
So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.
"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.
"Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.
"That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?"
The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"
A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
by Donn Laurence Mills
If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4. Look the other way just before cues.
5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
14. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds music degrees from Northwestern University and Eastman School of Music. A conductor and music educator, he is also the American educational director for the Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.
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