To get you started off on the right foot, the following is some advice (I didn't say it was great advice) from the mental chambers of a select few. Enjoy!
Confucius Say:
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Man who run in front of car get tired..
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry..
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk..
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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An Old Farmer's Advice
*Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
* Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
* Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
* Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker, you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
* If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
Funny Fashion Advice from a guy who knows dick about fashion!
Here's an example of why men do not write advice columns...
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me. The other day I left for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car slowed to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to convince me that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He lost his job six months ago and says he has be en feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila Lusk
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Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of problems with the engine. Start by making sure there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the clips holding the vacuum hoses onto the intake manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Walter
Provided By: Extreme Funny Humor
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